I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
