The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
