Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
