My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I want to fling myself into the sun
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
