i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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