I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
