Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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