I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
