I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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