The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
