I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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