Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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