drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
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Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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