I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
