In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
