I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She is in my trunk
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
