I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
