Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
