That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
