dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
