I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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