it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i love accidental penises.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
