my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
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HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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