Plan B is the new Plan A
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it