the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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