Texts From Last Night

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  (720): View more from Colorado

  How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

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  (720): How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box. http://tfl.nu/9hzq
  Replies (7) Good night (2749) Bad night (518)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.

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  (407): I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done. http://tfl.nu/92fz
  Replies (4) Good night (2938) Bad night (596)
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  (858): View more from California

  Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.

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  (858): Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel. http://tfl.nu/fcxh
  Replies (21) Good night (4643) Bad night (998)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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  (702): I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high. http://tfl.nu/9ove
  Replies (27) Good night (1281) Bad night (5076)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.

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  (813): Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again. http://tfl.nu/0xdw
  Replies (14) Good night (716) Bad night (4225)
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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  (805): I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now. http://tfl.nu/p09l
  Replies (6) Good night (4289) Bad night (1313)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.

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  (306): I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me. http://tfl.nu/ri8m
  Replies (16) Good night (848) Bad night (2660)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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  (847): I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet. http://tfl.nu/wpea
  Replies (2) Good night (2007) Bad night (1492)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night

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  (989): What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night http://tfl.nu/rv8l
  Replies (4) Good night (2271) Bad night (593)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.

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  (914): I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me. http://tfl.nu/fqr3
  Replies (6) Good night (388) Bad night (1161)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him

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  (314): it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him http://tfl.nu/nis3
  Replies (1) Good night (368) Bad night (1015)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?

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  (603): I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night? http://tfl.nu/pz1o
  Replies (3) Good night (275) Bad night (607)
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  (212): View more from New York

  him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.

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  (212): him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me. http://tfl.nu/e6pv
  Replies (3) Good night (497) Bad night (401)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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  (908): When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?! http://tfl.nu/arig
  Replies (3) Good night (1274) Bad night (243)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?

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  (785): And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney? http://tfl.nu/o9bx
  Replies (0) Good night (239) Bad night (224)

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