An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."