I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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