oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I could fuck to npr.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
