The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
