I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
