So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.