i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it was like eating out sand paper
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.