Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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