if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I want a musical about memes.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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