So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
