Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
