Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
