We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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