She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
