Someone shit on the floor
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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