I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
