i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
