just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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