I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
