I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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