No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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