Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
