I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I sprained my soul last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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