i wish my penis had a tongue
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
