do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
