Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Text me some of your sweat
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
