at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
