i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
