i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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