we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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