I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
