I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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