I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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