Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
