I think my vagina is haunted
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
