i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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