my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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