i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
